Every day I feel like I’m closer to giving up. I used to be much stronger, but chronic pain and a crippling disease paired with the overwhelming work of overcoming the fallout from domestic violence have become too much for me. Every normal, minor problem or crisis in my family has been sending me into a tailspin and my mind just keeps telling me, “I can’t take one more thing…I can’t take one more thing…no more, God, please.”
At the hands of my abuser I learned how to turn off my emotions and disengage from whatever hateful, hurtful situation I was in. It’s called dissociation. I still utilize it to some degree. It helps me put certain things that I can’t currently shoulder at arms length until I can find a way to deal with it. The emotions get shut off, too, and the whole package is moved to the back of the line. I don’t really get to choose anymore which matters I can do this with, and I’m not sure why, but sometimes I’m not able to turn it off and shove it away from me so the stressors pile up and overwhelm me.
I talked with Melody about what’s going on with me. I appreciate how she listens and has such deep empathy, but also seems to always know the right questions to ask, and ultimately helps me find a solution or at least a way to begin easing myself out of a painful situation. One of the conclusions we agreed upon last night was that I need to get out and do things away from the house, away from the kids, away from Atticus. I have a very tough time developing quality friendships because I have difficulty trusting people. I feel safe with me and that’s a harsh way to survive. So we talked about how I can meet people with the same interests as mine, like joining a book club or even forming a local writer’s group. Right now that seems huge and I don’t feel like I’m in any mental state to add to my anxiety and stress by running a group, but I think I’d be okay joining one.
I know I need to be proactive with some issues so that I’m not reactive in a negative way. Having an outlet for me that has nothing to do with mom or wife sounds tempting…and amazing. Maybe even exciting.
I need to do something for me. It sounds extremely selfish. Maybe it is, but if it helps ease all this negativity I’m feeling and I am able to find a bit more strength to confront this disease, or deal with the pain, or accept everyday problems without the need to hide in my closet, am I really being selfish?
The issue right now is holding on — finding a reason to not give up until I have more reasons to hold on than to let go.
Let me find them.