It Mattered

I experienced several Christmas miracles. I hope you did, too. My wish for all of us is that we hold fast to the wonderful feelings we experienced during the holiday season and keep them all year through. Love is where it’s at.

I’d like to share one of my miracles with you, and maybe it won’t seem like such a big thing to you, but it brought some much-needed healing to me and I call it a miracle because no one knew these things about me, so no one could possibly intentionally make this happen.

During the course of my former marriage my abuser made sure I heard regularly, and believed, that I was a terrible wife and mother, and that my children didn’t love me. No matter what I did, what I sacrificed, what I improved, it was never good enough for him and he always made sure to accuse me of having the worst possible intentions for any choice I made. It was always a lose/lose situation.

I used to love writing — wanted to be an author more than anything. When my children were young I wrote them stories and they were always the main characters. My writing was inspired by two great authors — Shel Silverstein and Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. I poured everything into my writing and created amazing worlds full of heroic turtles and captive tooth fairies suffering from bad halitosis. When I finished a story I would read it to my children and they always seemed to enjoy it.

And then the accusations would set in. My abuser would hound me incessantly about what I wasn’t doing because I was ‘wasting time’ writing stupid stories. I heard over and over that none of my ‘little fantasies’ mattered anything to the children because at the end of the day I was still a bad mother. I was selfish. I was a psycho hell-bent on destroying my family, and when they grew up that’s what they’d remember. Eventually, I believed the lies and I closed my notebook and put it away. I stopped writing altogether.

We received a package in the mail several days before Christmas from my Melody. On the outside of our Christmas gift she had written:

“Mom and Atticus,

Never become jaded.

Don’t forget to be a kid sometimes.

Believe. Inspire.

But most importantly, don’t ever forget…”

On Christmas morning when we opened Melody’s gift, we discovered a beautiful hard-bound edition of Theodor Seuss Geisel’s Early Works…before he wrote children’s stories.

Her note inside read:

“Because I will never

forget Sunny the Turtle,

the tooth fairy with bad teeth,

or the ghost that was just

a wedding dress…”

And now I know.

All the love I poured into those stories, all the worlds I created for them, all the laughter, all the fun.

It mattered.

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2 thoughts on “It Mattered

  1. Jennifer says:

    Heck yeah it mattered! I’m learning that when people are cruel and abusive and they hurt me so dearly, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I follow my heart, I’m getting to know myself, I do the best I can, I ask God to help me. And I learn how to forgive~not forget~ and be thankful for every minute of it. This is it!!! My life!!! It’s All good even when it’s not and that for me is Grace. I’m learning.

  2. Jennifer says:

    Those Story’s sound Awesome!!!!! You could publish them 🙂

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