I’m Tired

So my kids and I were victims of domestic violence. We’ve been free for 3 1/2 years. My three older boys are still in counseling and I see them making progress. For the most part they are, but my son Vader seems to be making ways to redirect his insane anger instead of getting better. People who aren’t around him constantly think he’s overcoming his past, but I think it’s more that he just redirects his feelings/hatred/anger when he can’t take that ugliness out anymore on his target…and then the feelings/hatred/anger are all spewed out over me.

He blames me for just about everything. Even good and positive things he looks at negatively and blames me. If he thinks I’m not showing enough appreciation in the exact way he wants it, he tells me I’m a fucking bitch. That’s his newest thing to call me when he’s angry, and he uses it frequently now. I spent 16 years hearing his dad call me that. Now my son does it, also. It’s hard to hear.

You know what? I’m tired. Tired of being blamed for his father’s bad decisions. Tired of being screamed at that it’s all my fault because I married a manipulative man who turned out to be an abuser. Tired of being blamed for saving not just his life, but 7 other lives besides his. Tired of having to eat every horrible thing he says just because he feels a certain way and wants to dump all over me in order to feel better. Tired of having to carry the burden of his hatred towards me. Tired of having no one stand up when he has one of his screaming fits and spouts trash and believes he’s speaking for everyone. Tired of doing the right thing and having him look at it, twist it into some imaginary reason to disrespect me, then listen to his ridiculous excuses for the atrocious things he says to his mother.

It scares me that he won’t find a way to get things right in his head and to let go of the anger and hatred he feels. I see him feeding the negative feelings with his music and sometimes even the games he plays. I’m sure he’s talking to ‘friends’ who are fanning the flames, also. What scares me most is seeing how much he manipulates…and most other people don’t see it. They think he’s just being cute or endearing. They think he’s healing and getting better. He’s not — he’s just getting better at finding outlets to keep the lid on a little longer before he explodes — but his fuse is getting shorter and his mouth is getting more and more vicious.

Kids should never talk to their mother like he talks to me. I hold no hope that it will ever change. I gave up quite a while ago. I’m just doing the best I can to survive his hatred until he is old enough to be on his own. God help any girls who come into his life if he can’t get himself straightened out.

His therapist told me that he has to have someone to blame because the real source of the blame —  his father — isn’t here.

Well, guess what? I’m sick of being blamed for being the parent who stuck around. For being the one who fought to keep him safe. For giving up everything to keep him and his siblings with me — all of us together. For being the one anointed by God to teach him what love really is.

And I’m tired of his apologies after he dumps all of his hatred all over me. He doesn’t care how much damage he’s done — he’s too busy trying to hurt me to get even with me. For saving him.

I have no answers and neither does anyone else. I’m hurt and tired and bleeding and I shouldn’t be.

I’m tired.

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7 thoughts on “I’m Tired

  1. Hugs dear friend. This just so absolutely sucks. So lots more hugs.

    • Thank you, El. When this stuff comes from your own child it’s that much more painful. People tell me he doesn’t mean it, he’s just a kid who can’t express himself, and I realize that, but I also know it comes from a wellspring of anguish so deep that he cannot express that either. I grieve for him…for all of us.And ask God to deliver my son from his darkness, and give me the grace I need to keep fighting for light.

  2. J. Stahl says:

    I am so sorry. 😦

  3. Joyce Klepel says:

    I hope you have heard of the Prayers “for deliverance” for they are the way to attack Satan who attacks your family still …..Find a pastor who
    knows how to pray in this way and I think you will find more peace and your son be delivered from the evil thoughts and stop throwing them back at you. When kids feel rejected (I’m sure he does) They throw it back on others! Shouldn’t happen but it does@!
    Praying for you along with others on the post!!!

  4. I might try to find a treatment program to put him so he can be out of the home and work through his issues. I understand his anger, I grew up in an abusive home too. I agree his lashing out is not necessarily about you, but he is directing it at you, and until he gets some seriously needed help, he is a danger to all in your home and any girl he might date. you know the hell you wen through, surely you wouldn’t want another female to go through that. hope it all works out.

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