Where ARE You, God?

I’m a woman of faith. At the age of 12 God sought me and bought me and I’ve been walking with Him ever since. It’s not been an easy road, and there have been times I’ve drifted from Him. I always know it’s me that wandered — never Him. I have always believed known that He’s near and wants to be as close to me as I will allow. I have always known, too, that the relationship — whatever form it takes — is also my choice. In the 32 years I’ve been a daughter of the King, I’ve never believed He left me or wasn’t aware of the trials I was facing…until now.

I’ve never been one to cry and complain over my circumstances. I’ve always been a roll-up-my-sleeves-and-take-the-bull-by-the-horns problem solver. I learned that from my mom. You want to meet a strong woman of faith? I’ll introduce you to her.

I’m not sure what has been going on with me to put me in this place of feeling I’ve been abandoned by God, but I think it has a lot to do with the feelings of inadequacy I feel towards God — I know I am the chiefest of sinners and don’t deserve one single speck of the grace He’s doled out on me for years. I’ve been feeling lately like God must have finally realized I’m not worth His time and effort.

I don’t think for one minute that the things I’m facing are any more difficult than anyone else’s problems and struggles. I just feel lately that it’s getting piled on in such abundance that either He doesn’t care or I’ve done something really bad to tick Him off.

I wrote recently about being diagnosed with a rare disease that is basically crippling me. One day I can be fine, the next I’m in agony, or I can’t move/stand/walk. The pain is always there, I just never know to what degree. I just found out it’s in my feet now, too. Sunday the pain was so off-the-charts that I stayed in bed most of the day and I ended up swallowing twice the amount of opiates I was supposed to take by evening. When I have unbearable pain I vomit, so add that to the fun I experienced all day. Oh, and the fact that I was a miserable, cranky pain in my family’s butt. Good times.

So I do my best — and sometimes my not-so-best — to carry the pain and do what I have to do regardless. It isn’t easy, but what other choice do I have? My family depends on me.

We are struggling financially. Some months we are out of money — I mean really out of money — well before the end of the month. I just lost my health insurance and didn’t know it and now we are facing medical bills we can’t pay. Forget about Christmas — I have kids that aren’t old enough to understand that there’s no money for gifts, but really, even my teens are going to have a hard time not receiving a few gifts, even though they know times are super tough. The landlord just raised the rent on the hell-hole we live in and is threatening to evict us for things that the realty which represents them is screwing up.

I pray constantly for God’s will — I ask Him to help me make the budget stretch and I work hard to cook creative, healthy meals on a shoestring. (At the end of last month, Atticus and my boys complimented me on how many creative ways I had made pasta that month and my heart overflowed!) My husband and kids never complain about the meals I make, but my step-kids have no problem letting me know when they don’t like a meal — basically every one I make that isn’t hot dogs.

It’s all wearing on me. I need a break. I mean, somethings gotta give. When the pain is unbearable and my whole body is screaming in agony and the expenses far exceed the budget and even mac-n-cheese has to be criticized, I sit and look at the bottle full of opiates — all 120 pills — and I wonder how long it would take after I ate all those pills till I felt nothing — and I imagine how that must feel. When I’m feeling the pull of those drugs, and the lure of oblivion, only one thing is enticing enough to make me stop — it’s not loving my husband or my kids or my parents. It’s just that it’s wrong. It isn’t what God wants for me — so I set the bottle down and walk away until the next time it’s too much to take. Hopefully I’ll never get to the point where I don’t believe it’s wrong anymore.

I suppose God hasn’t yet abandoned me if He’s still keeping me here, but it really doesn’t feel that way.

I don’t know what to do…except keep hanging out and hanging in…


10 thoughts on “Where ARE You, God?

  1. Running from Hell with El says:

    Hey there friend. As someone who’s struggled much the same way, all I can say is what you already DEEP-DOWN know: He loves you. He really, really loves you. Hold Him close friend, as you hang on. I don’t know how, and I’ve never been one for false promises, but it’s gonna get better. And you’re not getting punished. I mean, who knows what the cause of your pain is . . . but it’s not your fault, and it’s not because He’s turning away from you. He’s there. Let Him help you.

    Much love to you. I’ll be praying for you.

    • Thank you, El. It took me a while to be able to respond. Depression can make me feel and say things that aren’t the best to say at the time. Things are slowly improving and He has made sure to reveal Himself to me and my family. He’s there.

  2. Joyce Klepel says:

    This was a very clean and direct statement of your faith and of your need! Constant pain is terrible, my sister has it! You know that persevering is the answer, and trusting God. He is bringing you out of this before long….so the one thing that might be lacking (you think about this and judge if its right or wrong) is the fact the Bible also tells us “You have not because you ask not. ” So ask. Ask him! (You have)
    OK, ask the people at your fellowship, you did not mention them. At times we suffer simply because we do not communicate. Is God waiting to help you, waiting till you make a statement of need and then he has the person ready to help you? As I read this that thought came thru to me “You have not because you ask not.” I have had friends who very quietly suffered, and I didn’t know it! So keep “asking” and letting your advisors and friends know you need their prayers! That will help you persever until its over! Nothing is too hard for your God. Trust and obey!!

  3. I’m so sorry things are so hard for you right now. I know how lack of finances on top of everything else can make things even more difficult.

    The good thing is…He IS still there. Usually the times I (me personally) feel I am so far away is when I am feeling like I am not doing what I should (praying, reading my Bible, etc.) or if I have let my faith slip. It causes me to pull away and I don’t even realize it. And yet, He continues to bless me.

    I know I am not the best to give advice, but I see you are suffering so much and want to help. If I may recommend….choose some scriptures to hold on to and pray them. It can be your favorite. Even if it is the 23rd Psalm. It doesn’t matter. Pray them knowing they are truth. He will never leave you nor forsake you.

    Please don’t think I am being critical of you. I have been in some dark times and it took getting His Word in my spirit to help pull me out. This is just something I did and hope it might bless you too.

    WIsh I could do more. God bless.

  4. Jesus says, “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age,” (Matthew 28:20). “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33).

  5. […] week I wrote about feeling distanced from God — like He didn’t really care anymore what was happening to me and my family. Hurting, […]

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