Strong Enough

I’m really struggling right now. I have questions and no answers. I’m angry and I know I shouldn’t be, but it’s there anyway. Some of my kids have problems I cannot fix and they don’t really want to do the work, either. I told a friend that I feel as if I’m sitting in a row boat full of people and I’m the only one rowing. Occasionally someone else picks up an oar but they row halfheartedly and we end up going the wrong direction. I can’t row anymore. Whatever strength I had before is lacking now. A huge blowout last night with one of my children killed whatever it was that had been driving me.

I kind of feel like I collapsed inside. Now I don’t want to sleep, eat, talk, pray…nothing. I’d like to give up. Really. I’ve never been a quitter, but enough is enough. I didn’t ask for most of what’s happened, but I’ve always been willing to keep going, keep fighting, keep leading…because I believed there was a purpose. Today I don’t quite feel that way. I know it’s necessary for me to keep going, but I’m lacking the heart and the drive. I want someone else to do it. I need a break.

The hardest thing to admit last night was that I’m not the one who can fix my kids. I’ve tried. I can be their mother, but not their father. They need something they will never have — something I can never give. As a single parent, that’s hard to accept because I work twice as hard to do things for them, since I’m the only parent they have.

Yes, I already know that God can be their Father, but that will only happen when they really want to seek Him and know Him. Right now that’s not what is happening in these boys’ lives — and there is really nothing I can do about it.

So, Melody and I talked this morning about how I was feeling and why. When I told her I didn’t want to talk to God right now because He wasn’t giving me answers, she said I broke His heart. Then she showed me how I was so close to the problem that I couldn’t see the answer. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. As soon as she helped me see where we could find resolution, I couldn’t believe the answer was right there under my nose and I didn’t see it. So, God did give an answer — I was just too wrung out to see it.

Then she reminded me that sometimes, as believers, we have to give up so that God can take over and make things right…just like in the Matthew West song Strong Enough. Remember that one?

You must,
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through

Well, forgive me,
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough.
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe,
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I’m finally,
Finally at rock bottom,
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the One thing
You are God
And you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I still don’t have any desire to stand back up and keep walking, but maybe that’s something God will do since I can’t. I know Him well enough to believe that He never leaves me and that even when I’m not willing to talk to Him, He’s still willing to keep talking to me…

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4 thoughts on “Strong Enough

  1. Rosanne says:

    You are strong enough. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. You amaze me what you have lived through. You have a strength I aspire to. God will always have your back. Where there is love there is God.

  2. Another very raw, very honest post. There were many times reading this that I lifted a pray up for you. But, there was also a lot of wisdom I was able to glean. Your last paragraph before the song lyrics for sure!
    And your closing paragraph reminded me of a comment that was left on my blog just today….I may come back and share that here in just a few minutes.

    Another thing I’ve noticed in this post and other post of yours is how great you are with word pictures. I think that is really a gift b/c it helps other people understand how you are feeling in a way that is relatable. This word picture was perfect :

    “I told a friend that I feel as if I’m sitting in a row boat full of people and I’m the only one rowing. Occasionally someone else picks up an oar but they row halfheartedly and we end up going the wrong direction. “

  3. Here’s the comment left by Sarah in my “bummed out” post. This really encouraged and blessed me today…thought you might appreciate her words as well:

    “something I have had to learn the hard way throughout the years. I mean this to be encouraging in every way. While I think it’s great and very important to “live a life of love for God,” I think it is more important to live a life fully aware and confident of God’s love for us. I have been zealous for the Lord and boasted of my love for Christ as Peter did and ultimately took a fall similar to Peter. What I have learned is to stop boasting in my love for Him and to boast in His love for me. Just as Gal 6:14 says, “But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” Boasting in the cross of our Lord is boasting in His great love to sacrifice Himself for a broken people.
    Also if you look at the gospel of John, he refers to Himself as the disciple whom Jesus loved and he was faithful to the end. My flesh is weak and unable to give God the love that He deserves, but my Spirit is willing. I think that it is great to encourage a love for God, but I think the better thing is to constantly affirm God’s love for us.”

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