Ten minutes ago I was under the quilts in my warm bed – comfortable, toasty, basking in the excitement of a prospective new project. Then my brain started wondering about something inconsequential and I had to get out of bed, turn on the computer, and check it out.
So now I’m sitting in a hard chair and I’m cold and uncomfortable, but none of that matters when my fingers begin tapping out my heart on the keyboard. I write because if I didn’t I think I’d slowly go mad from all the thoughts swirling around inside me with nowhere to go. I often say that for me it isn’t just writing, it’s akin to opening a vein and letting the emotions behind the words flow uninterrupted until God has used me to say what it is He has for me to share. It isn’t about preaching, or being witty, or even wanting to tell my story. It’s about doing what God asks of me and only when He asks of me. That isn’t easy and sometimes I balk at what He tells me to share. I argue, cross my arms, stomp my feet and tell Him no, because some things are just private and I don’t want every one to know. I admit I argue with my Father. He’s always asking me to step out of my comfort zone and express something I’d rather keep to myself, but I’ve found when I resist He basically makes me feel miserable until I give in and do what He’s prompting. Afterwards it’s never as bad as I thought it would be. In all honesty, every time I share when He asks me to, He always blesses me for my obedience.
Anyway, that’s why I’m still sitting in this chair and my toes are frozen – because God and I were talking and He told me I should write it down because He doesn’t want me to forget. I guess I didn’t mention before that the person who always seems to gain the most from my sharing is me.
I was talking to God about a situation that’s weighing very heavy on my mind and heart. My daughter, whom I love more than my own life, is in a relationship that is damaging her. I’ve pointed out all the red flags, talked to her, yelled at her, begged her, cried with her, prayed for her. She just doesn’t want to see the situation and she doesn’t want to listen to me. She’s repeating, almost exactly, the abusive, controlling relationship we escaped from, but because her heart is involved, she doesn’t want to see how he manipulates her and how he controls her by playing the victim, just as our former abuser did.
It’s funny, but not in a humorous way, that he’s the one with the problems and bad behaviors, but he’s manipulated it so that she looks at me as though I’m the bad guy picking on him when he’s had such a tough life – was abused in the past himself. I had to finally decide to let it go and let her make her mistakes. It breaks my heart to see that her choices will eventually alienate her from her family because she already knows I won’t allow any abuser around my children, but she’s going to do what she’s going to do.
I ended my conversation with God by telling him how hurt and angry and disappointed I was over my daughter’s very poor choices and that I wished when I spoke to her out of love and concern – only wanting what is best for her – that she would truly listen. She says she does, but I can see in her face – her eyes – that she’s already saying I’m wrong in her heart and her mind. I asked Him how I was really supposed to stand by and watch her choose misery when there was so much better she could be receiving. I told Him I couldn’t watch her disappear from my life and then just hope that one day she will realize she’s on the wrong road and return to me.
I know you’re one step ahead of me here. You always are. You already know what God whispered in reply, don’t you?
He said, “My sweet child, now you know how I feel about you.”