Today marks two years away from my abuser. It’s been difficult to know what to write, but I know what I didn’t want to write: anything about him. I don’t think this milestone is a time to stop and look back at what I survived. I also don’t want to use this day to look at the last two years and see how far I’ve come. I do that often enough…it’s a good reminder, and a great motivator.
So what to write? I keep picturing Winnie the Pooh tapping his head, squinting his eyes and saying, “Think. Think. Think.”
Well, I’m a single mom of 7 kids. I’m currently working for no paycheck, but doing something I love. I started back to college but had to drop my classes this semester because my cancer treatments were too difficult to handle and I didn’t want to mess up my GPA. My kids and I still struggle with our past and the abuse we suffered, and sometimes that pain manifests in some pretty ugly ways. I’m trying to juggle physical illness, family, getting everyone healthy, the every day running around and chores, and through it all trying to make God first in my heart and life. So I think I want to use my blog to complain today.
Yes, you heard me…I’m going to complain because I just don’t know what to do with all this joy I’ve found! People think I’m kinda weird because it just flows out of me and I can’t contain it. I can’t explain it to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. It’s changed my focus, my heart, and my desires. I’m opening up to strangers and sharing what God tells me to speak…and I never thought I’d ever do that. Sometimes my heart is so full that I feel it will burst because I cannot contain the joy…it seems to grow the more I seek God’s face.
I feel as if I’ve awakened from a deep, dream-laden slumber into a bright, beautiful world where He’s taking those night visions and making them reality. I was always afraid of the dreams when I was sleeping because I knew it wouldn’t take much for them to disappear – smoky wraith-like wisps – into the cold night sky of my somnolence. In the bright warmth of the Son, God is telling me not to fear because He gave those dreams to me for a reason. Not every single dream my mind envisions will happen, but those tiny, beautiful seeds of hope He’s planted in my heart will someday come to fruition when we add time, patience, faith, and a desire to let God lead me.
This joy has nothing to do with my feelings. It isn’t happiness. It doesn’t come and go depending on whether the sun is shining or my kids are behaving. It’s indescribable. I can no more describe my joy than I can tell you the flavor of the color blue, or what it feels like to breathe in a rainbow. It’s something we each have to find. And it’s something I never want to lose. It helps me to be thankful in situations that would normally have me feeling defeated. It gives me hope in all things. Most of all, it helps me feel how much God loves me, and I needed that more than I ever realized.
There are many things in this life than can provide temporary happiness, but there is only One who can provide unspeakable, indescribable, unending joy. It doesn’t take much to find Him, but once you do You’ll wonder how you survived without Him.
Not quite the complaining you expected, huh? No one ever said I was predictable…