You think I’m not proud of you. You say I don’t love you. You worry that you don’t fit in. You’re scared because you made bad choices. You are haunted with questions about your father for which you think you’ll never have answers. You aren’t sure you have what it takes to get through every day. Your self-worth has hit rock-bottom and you struggle to find value through the eyes of your peers and siblings. You’d rather skip today and stay home under the covers.
I think you couldn’t possibly be proud of me. I sometimes think you don’t love me. I know I don’t fit in, but I don’t really want to. I’ve overcome my bad choices, but I know I’ll make more – I’m human. I learned that I don’t need answers from someone else to form a valid opinion – I talk to God and we figure it out together. Many days I know I don’t have what it takes to get through the day, so I have to take it minute-by-minute and be satisfied with that. My self-worth is validated through MY eyes, but I still struggle with it most every day because I’m highly critical of myself. I have days when I want to stay home under the covers and days when I actually do it – sometimes my brain needs a vacation.
So what if you’ve made bad choices? I see you every day make good choices. Fit in? Realistically speaking, it’s rare to really fit in with friends, but its ok to be different. Diversity is wonderful – it seasons our relationships and gives them lasting flavor. We all have questions, but sometimes we have to let them go – they eventually find answers on their own. You have helped form our family into what it is – you are critically important to its health because you, along with all the other members, provide the nourishment to sustain it. You cannot be replaced. And having times when you need a break – to lick your wounds, or gather your strength – is okay. No matter what anyone else ever tells you, momma says it’s okay.
My son, I love you. I’m proud of you. Keep walking. Never stop growing. And remember above all, it doesn’t matter where you don’t fit because in my heart you fit perfectly.