What Savior Means To Me

pitch black…i can see nothing…my senses are heightened out of abject terror…my breathing is amplified in my ears…i’m so afraid he will hear my fear…a soft keening emanates from my parched, sore throat as i try to quietly soothe myself…i know i’m so close to a precipice that i’ll never return from…my mind drifts, trying to find a place of safety within myself…forgetting the shackles i try to rock back and forth but the sharp bite of metal into my skin immediately jolts my mind back to where i am…and the terror returns as i hear him – pacing, muttering, shouting, throwing things about…jesus, please don’t let the baby wake up…my baby…keep the baby quiet…my ears strain to hear what’s going on above me, but the floor boards muffle everything and i feel as if i’m drowning in a sea of pain, fear, loathing…exhaustion sets in and the cold from the cement floor seeps into my feet, rising up my legs, and i can no longer stand…i slip slowly downward, dragging the shackles down the metal pole, hearing them screeeeeech, praying he cannot hear it, knowing the outcome if he does…the cold cement scrapes my ankles as i try to find a position that does not induce agony, but my shoulders are screaming, my arms trapped behind my back…prayers in my head…something moves furtively in the darkness and my head whips to the side but i can see nothing…images of spiders, rats, snakes fill my mind…panic…jesus, help me…i hear him walking, footsteps getting closer to the door at the top of the rickety stairs, then they recede and i can hear nothing but the sound of my wickedly beating heart…please, jesus, please…god help me…the baby…make him calm down…somebody help me…jesus…jesus…

…and i jolt awake as my chin hits my chest…my head flies up, hitting the pole…intense pain…complete darkness…silence…startling at the sound of the furnace kicking in…panic returning in an instant…numb from the cold…how long has it been…i’m going to die this time…he’s forgotten me…jesus, help me…i know you’re here…jesus, please help me…

…and then he is there, telling me not to fear, it will be ok, don’t make a sound, shhhhhhh…stillness…peace…and i know it…i feel it…savior…he is here with me…he is here…and he’ll be here no matter what happens next…

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4 thoughts on “What Savior Means To Me

  1. Jason says:

    Wow, I find this extremely moving. Your verbage and intensity really paint a vivid and terrifying experience. I really could feel the emotion behind the typing. I read a few of your past blogs as well and I will pray for a complete healing and peace for you and your family. And I will pray for the person who was not so kind to you. I haven’t been in any abusive relationships but, I know horror. Being deployed to Iraq opened my eyes up to the real definition of fear. Real fear. Keep writing, I feel it will do you good as well as others who can relate and see you being a pillar of strength.

  2. […] What Savior Means To Me is a momentary glimpse at one specific incident. […]

  3. […] shared in other posts about my abusive marriage, so I don’t need to do it again. But for anyone reading who […]

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