Betray -verb (used with object)

1. to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.
2. to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.
3. to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one’s friends.
4. to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.
5. to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.
6. to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.
7. to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.
8. to seduce and desert.

All of these definitions apply to what was done to the kids and me. I don’t understand why people say they care, then turn around and betray. It isn’t getting easier for me to trust – it’s getting more difficult. Running a background check on a potential friend isn’t the way to go, but if I had done that, I would have saved myself some grief. I am hardest on myself when something untoward touches my family because I am the first line of defense and I feel like I should have known. I can’t keep them safe if I’m not always a step ahead, second-guessing everything. Truth be told, it is impossible to constantly live in that frame of mind. Sometimes I let the defenses down because I just get so tired of wielding the sword. I was not made to be a forever warrior. I can do battle, but I need the times when I can lay down my weapon and relax with those I trust.

I need more in my life, but when I step outside seeking more, so often I regret it. Where do I go when I cannot trust anyone? What do I do with this? Betrayal is a bitter pill to swallow.


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