Unbelievably, there recently came a time when I realized I had nothing to say. The harder I tried to formulate words, the fewer there were. I was given the opportunity to address my abuser at his sentencing. I was told I could say anything I wanted. Desiring closure, I sat down to write out all that I thought and felt. Anyone who has attempted to write knows that words can’t be forced – they have to be felt. So as I stared at a blank screen, the blinking cursor seemingly winking it’s mocking eye at me, I grew frustrated with myself.
Eleven months. I have eleven months of time away from my abuser. I had thought writing a statement would be easy after all the things that had built up after eleven months apart. So why couldn’t I find a single word? I was utterly stonewalled, so I closed the page and turned to a very dear friend who suggested that I have nothing to say because I’ve healed and put so much behind me.
Really? I wasn’t so sure about that, but he seems to know me better than I know myself, so I knew it was time for some serious soul searching. I intended to rummage quite extensively through my ‘baggage’, only to discover that many of the accoutrements I thought I’d been dragging with me were nowhere to be found. Apparently, as I was healing and moving forward, the impedimenta of my past was too heavy to drag and my mind let it go when I wasn’t looking.
Ahhhhh, yes…the whole forgiveness thing! Spending so much time learning to forgive didn’t just heal my heart. It got me so focused on who I am, who I can be, who I want to be that I very slowly loosened my grip on the anger and hurt from my past until it silently slipped away. I realized I was standing in the terminal between my past and my future holding the claim tickets for baggage I never even wanted! Watching those tickets flutter to the ground and tumble away brought liberation to my spirit. I looked up to see a new train approaching, felt the breeze on my face, lifting the curtain of hair that I hide behind, and my heart felt free.
I can board that new train, knowing I’ve left the baggage behind and I’m finally at liberty to roam wherever I please. I’m free.